Finding Love Outside Her Faith: An American Pakistani Woman's Quest to Belong

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  » November 2008

Finding Love Outside Her Faith:
An American Pakistani Woman's Quest to Belong

Here I am, lonely but not alone, in my quest to belong. As an American Pakistani (I feel more American than Pakistani) woman, my life has always been fraught with contradiction, but I have always had a yearning to be loved by my community. However, conforming to the values of a Pakistani in order to be accepted has been an arduous journey.

Growing up in Pakistan, I was a ‘practicing’ Muslim. At the age of ten, I prayed five times a day, fasted for thirty days every Ramadan (the month of fasting every year), and tried my best to follow the teachings of Islam. However, as I grew older I fluctuated between passivity and rebellion. I failed to understand why men could have four wives. I rationalized this contradiction by believing that this verse was revealed during a time of war, and widowed women needed the support of a man. Another rule that caused internal conflict was that a man’s testimony in court is equal to one and a half of a woman’s. Therefore my vote was considered to be half a human being’s vote. The explanation I was given was that women are the more emotional gender and therefore will find it more difficult to be objective. I made peace with this rule by accepting that I am an emotional person and perhaps, men are not.

When I was younger, my family moved to the United States due to better treatment options available for my mother who was seriously ill. She died shortly after. I grieved the loss of my mother and also of the role model who defied the norm of a “good Pakistani woman.” My mother was strong-willed, feisty and independent, and her departure from this world left me feeling empty. She was a Pakistani too; however, she taught me about mercy, justice and kindness. She also taught me about the importance of being honest and loving all other human beings. She may not have followed Islam in the traditional sense, but she is the most pious Muslim I have known.

As I continued my education, I found it difficult to fit in. I started ‘hanging out’ with a Pakistani man and hoped to marry him once I graduated from college. But my experiences were far from what I had been taught. The Pakistani men that I met during my college years did not match my value system. The men that I met led a life I could not understand. They wanted to marry the woman that suited their parents (an arranged marriage) yet continue to have a relationship with me. I saw this happen to other Muslim women around me too. I ended up feeling distraught and even more confused than I was before. The more I wanted to belong to the Pakistani culture, the more different I felt. The more I tried to conform, the more resentful I became.

Once I started my career, I met someone who changed the way I looked at life. A man who said what he believed and believed what he said. He is a man who loves me for who I am. He has a similar value system. We both love the same music and desire to treat all human beings fairly and equitably. However, he happens to be Hindu. Hinduism is a religion starkly differently from Islam, specifically due to the belief in polytheism (more than 30 million gods). In Islam, a woman cannot marry anyone outside her faith but a man can marry a Jewish or Christian woman. My justification for this rule when I was younger is that the man is considered to be the head of the household and the children would follow the religion of the father. Therefore, it is necessary that my husband be Muslim. However, this time, my justifications and rationalizations did not seem to work. My inner voice became louder and clearer. Every time I tried to shut it out, it would show up in another form. And here is what it said:

If I am unable to find the qualities in a man that I am looking for (honesty, integrity, acceptance, and love of humanity) in a man who follows my faith, is it a sin to walk outside one’s own faith? I am often judged by other Muslims for not looking hard enough. But do I need to keep looking when I find so much acceptance, faith and love in one human being? The more I love this man, the more I belong, not just in my own faith but to all faiths.

Needless to say, I listened to that inner voice and it’s led me in the right direction. There are several people in my life, my community and my religion, who ignore, avoid or reprimand me. But by breaking this rule, I have learned an important lesson. The more I break free from custom, the more accepting I am of myself and of others. As I continue to let go of the quest to belong, I belong to the community that matters the most: the human race.

- Sara Ahmad

Please Note: The author's name has been changed to protect her identity. The opinions expressed by the author of the article are not necessarily the opinions of BILLO Magazine.

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Comments

[Niki]

This was such a great article I really enjoyed reading it. I really feel for you and the position society has put you in. I honestly could not agree more with your open-minded views of the lifestyle you are leading and the choices you've made. I find that a lot of times, as human beings, we find ourselves justifying the ways of our world which we've been forced to live in to protect our loved ones and our community. Eventually we find these flaws in our communities, and sometimes even our parents, and come to understand they're suddenly not so invincable; it is up to us to accept or reject these flaws. Luckily you've been blessed to have had such a great role model of a mother, it reflects in the choices you have made. I respect you very much for being so open and vocal about your life. Great work!

[S.G.]

This is so beautifully written and so amazingly touching. I am so happy you took a stand for what you personally believed in. Nothing is stronger than the voice of your own heart. You could not have said it any better, "The more I break free from custom, the more accepting I am of myself and of others." It truly is a wonderful thing to find people who are so different from you, but at the same time, so similar. I only wish you all the best in life :)

[VJ]

Has this stirred up any controversy amongst your fellow muslims? What's going on with the rest of the story? If there are issues, how are you coping with them?