Still Single and Bitter!

December 4, 2008

Dear Div,

All my friends are getting engaged, yet I've had 3 failed relationships and I hate women. I'm not turning to the dark side, but I'm bitter as hell. What should I do?

Sincerely,
Mr. Bad Luck

Dear BL,

It sucks doesn’t it? Seems like you only have one choice: have your parents go to India and find you someone. At least this way you’re almost guaranteed that none of your friends have hooked up with her before and she’ll remain loyal... at least till she gets her green card.

Even though it doesn’t seem like it, you’re not the only person who feels this way. After you reach a certain age and are single, you start to realize that a lot of your friends are in relationships and start wondering if you missed the boat. You see how happy they are and get stuck in "the grass is always greener" conundrum. As soon as a couple of friends start getting engaged, you feel like you’re the only single one around, always the third wheel. Soon you start feeling like maybe you made a mistake with one of your three failed relationships and try to rekindle an old flame. After a few weeks of talking, you realize why you broke up in the first place, and in turn get even more bitter because you can’t find that perfect someone like all of your other friends.

The funny thing is that your engaged friends are probably envious of you and your freedom. First off - NO I’m not saying all guys in relationships are miserable - just some are. To reiterate, I’m not saying they want to be single, what I am saying is that they are envious of some of the freedoms of single-hood. When you’re given tickets to the game last minute, you can just pick up and go. Your friends, on the other hand, have to call their girl and ask for permission. When you come home really late and just want to watch TV and go to bed, you can do that. These guys have to come home, change, and prepare to tell their girlfriend about their day while watching TV on mute. After they talk for a couple of minutes about their day, they then have to listen to her as she describes, in extreme detail, as to how her “friend” Sweta is a backstabber and always talks trash behind her back, naturally, followed by the discussion about what she should wear to Sweta’s birthday party this weekend.

What I’m trying to say is, even though you’re ready to settle down and be that envious guy in a relationship, don’t rush it. It will happen when it happens. What you’re doing is the same as watching a clock: time always moves slower when you’re watching it. Don’t focus on what you don’t have and enjoy the time you have now. Relationships generally come when you’re not looking for them anyway. So stop watching the clock, and as TI says, Live Your Life.

- Div

Why Good Girls Date Losers

November 2, 2008

Dear Div,

First of all, I am a dude, not a girl. Just wanted to clarify that. I've noticed that a lot of my friends (girls) who are in school with me are dating dead end losers. They either wear clothes that are too large for their body types, have "fitted" hats, still drive hooked up Honda Civics, speak Ebonics, or all of the above.

Now these girls who date these guys are in a professional program and on their way to becoming health professionals, so why do they settle for losers like them?

They're friends with us normal guys (and by normal I mean educated, sophisticated, and wear clothes that fit) but refuse to be interested in us.

Please give me your input.

Thanks,
Confused Normal Guy

Norm,

I totally feel where you are coming from. I’ve noticed the same thing. A lot of these great girls who are attractive and on the right path in life are attracted to guys whom I refer to as D-bags (DB’s). This is actually a quandary I have thought about before and have come up with a two part theory as to why these hot, educated girls are attracted to the aforementioned DB’s. It boils down to them wanting to feel a sense of balance and also the need to nurture and make the world a better place.

To be in a professional program of any sort means you have dedicated a lot of time and effort in ensuring you have a secure future. That being said, it is safe to assume these girls are organized, studious, and goal oriented. These DB’s that you mentioned happen to be the complete opposite of this and it fascinates these girls. They bring balance to the girls' lives by representing the other side of the spectrum. Being on the opposite side of the spectrum gives these girls a false sense of completion, which in turn is why they decide to give these guys a chance. After being in the relationship they realize that their theory of completion was wrong and that changes need to be made, which leads me to the second part of the theory: The Project Period.

Girls for some reason look at relationships differently than us guys. They view them as projects - things that they want to fix and mold into their ideal situation. Many people follow the saying “If it works broken, why fix it?” With girls it’s more like “It doesn’t work unless it’s broken so I can fix it”. So, rather than cutting their losses, these girls begin the project period of the relationship where they try to construct the perfect boyfriend. Occasionally they are successful because the guys grow out of that phase. Other times they completely fail and are left stuck in the predicament of having invested years in this project and having nothing to show for it. This will either make them bitter about guys and end it or try and hold on and slowly let it fizzle out.

Now keep in mind this is still a theory, though I feel I have a lot of valid points in here. What I now plan to do is put this theory to the test. My plan is to develop certain tendencies that I feel will be attractive for women to want to “fix” and see what type of response I get. I’m thinking about developing a drool and perhaps wearing a fanny pack full time. If you would like to partake in this experiment with me, please develop certain “fixing” tendencies and keep me updated as to what you find.

- Div

I'm Falling for a GUJU Boy!

October 22, 2008

Dear Div,

My Punjabi culture is very important to me. Some day I want to marry a Punjabi man and have Punjabi kids and Punjabi in-laws. The problem is that there is a boy that I am really attracted to. Unfortunately, he is not Punjabi. However, he is Indian like me and has all the other qualities I desire in a partner, which are otherwise very difficult to find. I'm afraid of getting close to him now because it might be difficult to pull away later... but I really, really like him! I'm confused. Help!

Sincerely,
Confused Punjabi Girl

Dear CP-G,

As an impartial party, I would first like to commend you on your choice of Punjabi men. I hear that they are not only extremely good looking, but also amazing dancers and athletes. That being said, it is completely understandable that you would want a Punjabi man in your life. Here is how to solve your problem: You can enroll this prospect in the Punjabi Training Program (PTP) which will get him properly trained in the Punjabi ways. After a few short weeks you won't even notice that he is not Punjabi. In this program your prospect will learn how to dance Bhangra, be loud, speak Punjabi, and if you’re lucky, even learn how to rhyme/make up words (i.e. Drink “chaa chu” or “pani shani”). This is an intense training program. However, my research indicates that it has a 90% success rate for those who complete the full course.

If the PTP seems like too much of a process or out of your price range, I have one other suggestion. Ask yourself one simple question:

Is he worth it?

Granted you found someone whom you feel has a lot of the qualities you want, but there are still major qualities that you were looking for in a mate that are missing. Since it is early in the relationship, you should ask yourself if this guy is worth the possibility of compromising your idea of an ideal husband? It is better to ask yourself this now before you get emotionally attached. Regardless of which way you decide to go, I would always recommend being straight forward with this person. If you decide to be with him, it is always good to lay your cards out on the table early so that you are both aware of this issue that needs to be addressed. If you decide not to be with him, at least you’re letting him know why so he doesn’t have major self esteem issues later on in life.

Now to focus more on your specific question, you said, “I'm afraid of getting close to him now because it might be difficult to pull away later” which leads me to believe you are not planning on sacrificing your cultural ideals for this guy. If this is the case, then I do not suggest getting close to this guy in a romantic way at all because you’re right, you will end up getting hurt in the long run. Rather than wasting your time on him, I know a great Punjabi guy you may be interested in. I’ve listed his email address below, so go ahead and send him a picture and a description about yourself and I’m sure he’ll get in touch with you.

Div@billomagazine.com

- Div

Addicted to Younger Boys

July 30, 2008

Dear Div,

I seem to like boys that are 2-3 years younger than me. My sister tells me it’s because I’m a manipulative psycho, but honestly, I find the college boys to be a lot more fun than the working men. Is it SO wrong to have a little fun?

Signed,
Anonymous

Dear Miss F.O.C.,

I figured rather than answering your question, I would ask you a series of my own instead:

Did you notice how anytime you mentioned the people you are currently attracted to, you referred to them as “boys” and how you think they are more fun than “men”? Have you ever met a girl who wanted to be in a committed relationship with a boy?  Did you notice that F.O.C. stands for Fear Of Commitment? Were you also aware that I wrote that because I want to make sure that you know you have commitment issues? Do you think I can write an entire response with nothing but questions and still get my point across?  Did you know that as long as you’re aware of these things, it’s totally fine to have fun as long as you’re not lying to yourself about it? Was that last question kinda cheap? Did you know that because you only deal with “boys”, who happen to be easily impressionable, your sister may have a point? Have you seen Dark Knight?

Now before you all jump down my throat, let me also say that there is absolutely nothing wrong with being with someone younger than you -- unless your age gap is breaking some law. I TOTALLY feel that age should not be a factor in whether or not someone is right for you. If you both enjoy each other's company and are feeling each other, that outweighs something as trivial as age. But in your situation, it doesn’t seem like you care about being in a relationship. You seem to be in it for the butt -- Which leads me to believe that your deeper question is: "Is it still okay to go to college boys for butt?" My answer is: as long as you know that is what you’re getting yourself into, then it’s fine. Just remember what you’re dealing with... boys. Don’t expect these boys to act like men. When you get tired of them being immature, remember that it was your decision.

- Div

He's Finally Single!

July 23, 2008

Dear Div,

I have a crush on this boy that just got out of a long term relationship. I've been waiting for months for him and his girlfriend to break up, and now that they finally did, I'm wondering how long I should wait before I go in for the kill? I'm not too sure of what I want from this in the long run, but all I can say right now is that he is a hottie and I'd like to get a little cozy with him... if you know what I mean.

Signed,
Anonymous

Dear Captain Horny Pants,

As far as when to make your move, it really depends on two key factors.

1. What you’re looking to get out of this rendezvous.
2. How hot you are.

Generally after getting out of a long term relationship, a guy is initially looking to make up for lost time. What you need to keep in mind is there are a lot of girls, just like you, who have admired his ability to maintain a loving and caring relationship while at the same time being completely unattainable, giving him that extra sex appeal.

If you just want a hook up, please follow these guidelines:

The hottest of the admirers are going to have first dibs on this “hunk”. This is where your level of hotness comes into play. Following the standard 1-10 scale with 10 being the most and 1 being the least, if you’re between a 7-10 you should be a shoe in for anywhere within the first three weeks of the breakup. 4-6’s need to wait until the second to third month after the break up, and anything below that needs to wait longer or catch him on a drunk lonely night.

Now if you’re looking for something a little more serious and not just a hook up, what you want to do is be the girl that flirts with him but never hooks up. By being that one unattainable girl, you will start a shift in power towards you and he will soon realize that the other ones are no challenge, and we all know that everyone likes a challenge. Once the power's shifted, you have yourself a perfectly functional boyfriend. This is more of a process, in which case you will have to invest a good 3 months or more of flirting without giving into temptation.

Below I have created a hook up flow chart for easy reference.

Level of Hotness (1-10 scale)	Hook-Up Time Frame (post breakup)
7 - 10	First 5 minutes to 3 weeks
4 - 6	2 - 3 Months
0 - 3	More than 3 months or drunk lonely night

Oh I forgot to mention...this is all contingent on the fact that he broke up with his girlfriend and she didn't break his heart. If she broke his heart... then kindly disregard what I have just said. But otherwise, your time frame to go in for the kill ranges anywhere from 5 minutes to a lonely drunken night.

- Div